My New Budget Airline: Plain Plane
None of this soft nonsense on Plain Plain
Stand back Spirit and Ryan Air! There's a new budget airline in the world! My new airline is Plain Plane and it will put the Cheap in Cheapest.
First of all, none of this "luggage handling" nonsense. Each Plain Plain will have a trapdoor where, as you board the Plane, you can drop your own luggage down into the cargo hold. For retrieving it we will provide a rope ladder down into the hold so you can root around for your bag.
Overhead compartments will be available but strictly on a pay-as-you-go plan. They will be coin-operated and will accept only Sacagawea dollar coins.
Plain Plane Airlines will, of course, supply money changing machines which will return four Sacagawea dollar coins for every five-dollar bill.
Safety is the number one priority here at Plain Plane Airlines. Flight attendents are safety professionals first and foremost on other airlines, but here at Plain Plane they are only safety professionals! So, if you want water or food, don't bother them. They don't have any of that anyway.
Speaking of safety, FAA regulations prevent Plain Plain Airlines from charging you to use your seat belt so you may confidently put it on without worry. We do charge a nominal fee ($7) to take it off, however, so plan ahead with your Sacagawea dollar coins as none are available at your seat and the flight attendants are too busy keeping you safe to provide any.
In flight entertainment? You bet! Indeed, free of charge we provide an endless loop of industrial training films piped directly to your personal devices and to the screen on the seat in front of you!
You can stop your free entertainment of industrial films at any time! Simply drop fourteen of your Sacagawea dollar coins in the handy coin slot found in your armrest and they will stop. Eventually.
Kids getting cranky on a long flight! Who can blame them, it is super-boring. Fortunately Plain Plane offers a wide variety of Soviet era cartoons for your precious bundles that require only a minimal command of the Russian language. Deposit ten of your Sacagawea dollar coins into your armrest and hear their squeals of joy! Or don't and put up with their whining for the entire flight!
Remember, here at Plain Plane Airlines our motto is: "We might actually get you there but your ticket is non-refundable in any case!"
jpj stories by John Jackson is licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0
